


You Make Me Wanna

by WritinRedhead



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-25
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-04 21:59:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10999833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritinRedhead/pseuds/WritinRedhead
Summary: How much can one man take until it is too much?After they get back from Scarif, Cassian keeps having nightmares of losing Bodhi. And it’s wearing him down.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is low-key based on You Make Me Wanna by Blue, hence the title. Head-cannons of Bodhi and Cassian’s injuries are inspired by shima-spoon and hvit-ravn’s art on tumblr. 
> 
> A big THANKS to my wonderful beta [ashesofvampires](http://ashesofvampires.tumblr.com)!
> 
> Now enjoy~

_He wakes up because of the alarm going off on the bedside table next to the bunk. Forcing his eyes open, Cassian stretches his arm and turns it off, the movement causing the body next to him to stir and mumble something, incoherent due to sleep. He leans over the sleeping figure whose face is still buried in the small, shared pillow, the mussed dark hair being all over the place. He brushes it out of the way and trails a few languid kisses along the now exposed neck._

" _Morning, Bodhi…" he mutters in between. "Time to get up…"_

" _Mmm… Don' wanna…" drifts up from the pillow, sounding tired, but nevertheless awake._

" _I know, but we have to." Cassian replies and presses another kiss to the bit of his cheek he can reach, then he rubs his not-yet shaven face against Bodhi's, knowing full well the stubble must scratch._

_Slowly, Bodhi lifts his head and turns around, stretching himself as he blinks up at Cassian. Through the fading sleepiness, there's a faint, mischievous sparkle in his eyes. "What's in it for me?" He asks and Cassian decides to play along._

" _Depends," he replies, his mouth automatically forming a smile of its own. "What do you want?"_

_Bodhi's legs tangle with his and Bodhi puts his arms around Cassian's neck, folding them and pulling him down, bringing their faces close. Near-touching close. Cassian is amazed anyone's able to be this alluring after just waking up, he'd even go so far as to suspect this being a put-up job by the pilot – Bodhi's probably been awake for ages, orchestrating this moment – if he weren't too busy trying to take in the whole sight of him._

" _Take a guess…" Bodhi mumbles against his lips._

" _Hmm." Cassian hums as he takes the final step and presses them together._

 _He's enjoying this. The embrace feels soft and warm, comforting in a way. If it were up to him, the briefing in half an hour could go screw itself, he just wants to stay here. With Bodhi,_ his _Bodhi… He smiles into the kiss as gentle fingers begin to play with the fine hairs in the back of his neck._

_For a reason he can't seem to grasp, the touch gradually becomes harder, colder... and instead of soft skin, it feels of hard and unforgiving metal, until it ultimately turns into a cybernetic arm, not unlike K-2's…_

 

_\---_

 

There is a sharp pain in his right leg and Cassian jerks awake, sitting straight up in the bed in his own quarters. Alone. There's no sleep-dazed Bodhi, smiling up at him, lazily flirting with him while he wakes up, kissing him, loving him – there never has been, save for within the sorry dreams of a broken man. He's all by himself.

Except for the pain, that's still there, and by instinct he reaches down to press a hand to his knee in a futile attempt to distract his senses from the original ache. When his hand touches nothing but a stump where his knee is supposed to be, as if slapped in the face, Cassian gets once again reminded of the reality of things.

They succeeded their mission. They delivered the plans. They survived. Long live the Rebellion. But no one ever said there's a Happily Ever After for them.

His leg is problematic. Although the prosthesis works well with the remnants of his leg, he is still not used to actually using the artificial limb. Despite it being a good one, it is a mere replacement, after all, and so his gait remains insecure and he still needs a pair of crutches wherever he goes. Participating in missions, or any other duty for the Alliance that involves legwork, is out of question.

It had been bad enough being confined to the med bay for close to three weeks, but he'd still had hope then. Now, nearly a month after, he's yet barely able to take care of himself. Leading his crew – or what is left of Rogue One – into the next battle is nothing but a pipedream for Force knows how much longer. Maybe forever.

Cassian shudders at that thought, no matter how hard it is to admit, it scares him immensely. He is basically trapped on base as it is, caged by his own body and condemned to inactivity. He hates being this useless, it's a feeling worse than physical torture. And he's allowed to say that, he's lived through it – more than once.

Cassian drags himself out of bed and dresses cautiously, simply waiting for the phantom pain to fade. Because there is nothing else he can do but waiting. It seems to be the only thing he's good at nowadays.

When he's done, he clumsily takes his crutches and hobbles over to the adjacent refresher unit. From the corner of his eyes he catches sight of himself in the mirror. He's not even able to walk straight on his own. Either needing the help of crutches or his prosthetic leg, and it _still_ is a pitiful sight.

Hating the reflection as well as the inevitable truth it depicts, Cassian turns his head and steps – or the equivalent of it – under the refresher.

 

\---

 

The other four are aware of his discontent with the current situation.

How could they not. It's probably not really hard to catch on, even though he does his best to avoid them most of the time. Or maybe that's exactly the reason why. Either way, he only interacts the bare minimum with them. Cassian knows he's being unfair in shunning them, it's not their fault, after all… he just doesn't want to drag them down with him. He's caused them enough grief already.

It was Jyn who had decided to go, to just grab whatever kind of craft was available and make their way to Scarif to do the right thing. Yes, sure. But she'd never fought in a war before. Cassian is the one with experience, military training, and a good portion of should-have-known-better-than-go-off-half-cocked. And he still –

"Captain."

He's been trying to push the mess hall door button without dropping neither the data pad under his arm nor his crutches, when a young man, rank of a cadet, suddenly salutes, then reaches past him and opens the door, standing and waiting next to it for Cassian to enter first.

Cassian stares at him grimly. Does he have a sign around his neck that says 'Pity me' or what? But the cadet shows no intention to move and Cassian grudgingly goes through the door, offering a clipped "Cadet." and making a point of it to hold his head as high as possible lest he loses the last shred of dignity he has left.

Jyn sits opposite to Baze and Chirrut, apparently heavily engaged in a lively discussion with the latter – something about the advantages of a baton over a staff. Next to her, Bodhi is listening to the two of them trying to constantly one-up each other's arguments and taking a bite of his breakfast every now and then. Still away from their table, Cassian watches the little group and on their own accord his eyes constantly flicker towards Bodhi. He seems happy. Laughing at the bickering now going on between the two guardians as Baze decides it's time to step in.

Cassian doesn't want to know what Bodhi must think of him. Nevertheless, a few guesses float around his head. _Broken. Incapable. A failure._

They haven't spoken much, barely even interacted ever since they made it back, despite spending two of the three med-bay-weeks in a sickbed next to each other. Most of the days Cassian had spent pretending to either be knocked out by analgesics or, later on, being busy writing reports. The nights he'd used to watch the soft rising and falling of Bodhi's chest as he slept and remind himself that they'd all survived and he wouldn't yet have to add another name to the list of bodies he's leaving in his wake.

Jyn is the first to spot him. For a second her eyes follow his gaze, and her eyebrows rise slightly before she calls his name. Noticing he had been staring, Cassian quickly looks away and tightens the grip on his walking aid as he comes over. Hearing Jyn, Bodhi turns around and his face splits into a wide smile. He quickly scoots over on the bench and waves, offering a place for Cassian to sit.

While he doesn't like the special attention, Cassian gives a short greeting in return and attempts to sit down. He has to sit _somewhere_. Of course, it doesn't go smoothly. The crutches are in the way and he struggles, slipping a little trying when they bump against the table's leg as he tries to manoeuvre around the bench and store them under the table.

"Here, let me…" Bodhi says and reaches out to take the data pad from him.

"I don't need help," he snaps before he can stop himself, and the metal construction stops mere centimetres before actually touching Cassian.

Bodhi flinches at the harsh tone of his voice and he mumbles an "I'm sorry…" before he pulls back the cybernetic prosthesis replacing his right arm.

Jyn shoots him another look around Bodhi's back, her brows risen – again – as if to ask 'What do you think you're doing?' and Cassian is pretty sure now she's caught him staring at Bodhi. Maybe she doesn't know why or just doesn't want to meddle, either way, she doesn't call him out on it.

So Cassian expertly ignores her and with a tap to a button brings the pad to life, starting to stare into it as well as evading also the other three's non-too-subtle glances.

 

\---

 

After the gloomy excuse of a breakfast, he has a meeting with High Command scheduled. It's a general strategy briefing, and Cassian doesn't get why Mon Mothma even insisted on his attendance. He's no use when it comes to any political decisions or pulling the strings in the background of an organisation. He's a man of action. The kind that has to be out there and physically _do_ something, help change something. Or at least he was.

He sits through the briefing only listening with half an ear and giving a grunting sound of approval or disapproval whenever directly addressed. For the rest of it, Cassian remains silent. He doesn't even notice how the hours pass. Only when General Dodonna declares the meeting closed with a knock on the table, he checks the time and is surprised to find it already afternoon.

Excusing himself, he more or less limps back to his quarters. His leg is always worse after sitting still for several hours, but he has to move it again, whether he wants to or not. It's probably better, anyway, to finish some of the paperwork in privacy without any glances thrown his way than at a table in the crowded mess hall. The shortest way there is crossing the hangar and he's halfway through it when he sees Bodhi talking to Jyn, the both of them sitting on two tool boxes in front of a battel-marked U-Wing Bodhi has started repairing a couple of days ago. Cassian had intended to just walk past unnoticed behind them, when he suddenly overhears his own name and stops.

"He's been like that ever since we got back. Hell, he barely even _talks_ to us anymore and I feel like it's getting worse every day." Jyn is gesturing with her hands as she speaks. She wears the face of someone that wants to be angry, but is left without options to whom this anger is directed at. Her gesticulations falter and her voice calms as she concludes, "He's depressed and it's eating him up. We have to do something."

"Yeah," Bodhi agrees. In contrast to Jyn, he talks quietly and his shoulders seem to be hanging down. He has a small, cylindrical item in his hands that he passes from one into the other. "I'm worried, too. I just …don't know what. It's as if he doesn't _want_ help – or even company." He pauses and swallows. "…you've seen how he gets when I only so much as come near him."

"He's a stubborn idiot, that's what he is." Jyn huffs. "He's putting too much on his shoulders… If he'd accept just _some_ support! We're his friends, for Force's sake, we're on his side."

Bodhi fiddles with what has to be a sonic screwdriver between his fingers. "You know, about that, I have a suspicion," he starts tentatively. "I – I haven't told this anyone yet, but… I think it might be my fault…"

Hidden behind the wing of a near-by X-Wing, Cassian sucks in a sharp breath. How could Bodhi know? Had he been too obvious? He's been a kriffing spy, after all! He tells himself to keep it cool and continues to listen.

Just like Cassian, Jyn, also, doesn't seem to understand "What do you mean," she asks, looking at Bodhi with a dumbfounded expression. "That he's irritated and snaps at people? Of course, it's _not_. How could it?! Cassian's not _blaming_ you for anything, he's probably angry at himself. No matter how ridiculous that is," she adds.

"Are you sure?" Glancing up from the tool, Bodhi's eyes meet Jyn's. "I mean, he doesn't talk much to me. In the med-bay, he even made up excuses not to, just because he was forced to stay in a room with me. And now, every time he looks at me, he seems so disappointed and frustrated, like he doesn't want to see me."

"Bodhi that's not –" Jyn starts, but Bodhi cuts her off, apparently wanting to say his part.

"You know, things might've been different, had I been able lower the shield system earlier. We nearly failed because of that and, I mean, look at us –" He shifts the screwdriver in his left hand and holds up his replaced arm, flexing the metal fingers. "I'm not sure when I'll be able to fly again, but I've only ever been a mediocre cargo pilot… not a highly proficient intelligence officer. I can – I can understand that Cassian is mad at me. It's just…" Bodhi drops his arm again and stares at his feet. "… _before_ , I actually thought he'd… like me. And I thought… that'd be nice." He gives a short, humourless laugh. "Guess I was wrong about that, huh?"

 

* * *

tbc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)  
> ~Writin'Redhead


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...

Not waiting for Jyn's answer, Cassian forces himself to turn around and walk away, as quickly and quietly as possible with the metal clicking of his leg. He has heard enough.

He knows he's been acting like a kriffing idiot, but still… Witnessing Bodhi interpret his behaviour wrong and seeing the dejected expression on his face feels as if something is clawing at Cassian's heart. It physically hurts to see how Bodhi could even _think_ he blames and hates him for it. When in fact the opposite is the case.

But it's better like that, it's better, it's – He stops walking and leans against the corridor wall, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth. It's better this way, he tells himself one more time. Then, hopefully, he'll at least stay away from Cassian. History has shown enough times what happens to the people around him. They get hurt sooner or later, and Cassian doesn't want to see Bodhi among the casualties. Not for good.

"Cassian. There you are."

The sound of a familiar voice snaps him from his grim thoughts, and Cassian looks up. He's not far from the hangar and only about two corners away from his room. K-2SO is standing right in front of him, giving him a scrutinizing once-over.

"K?" Cassian asks, pushing off the wall and stepping onto the corridor again. "What are you doing here?"

"I have been wondering about your current location." The droid leans down to study his face. He cocks his head. "You seem distressed. Is there a problem? Is it your prosthesis? Do you need me to carry you to your quarters?"

"No." His answer is short. Being carried around base by a two-meter-tall droid is the last thing he needs right now. But after a second, Cassian sighs. He's done enough wrong to his friends today, and even though he probably couldn't hurt K-2's feelings, not even in his current mood, he still tries to change his attitude. "But…thanks for the offer, K. I'm alright."

"That is incorrect," K-2 counters immediately. "You still do not appear to function properly."

"I just… I hurt someone," Cassian admits reluctantly, more to himself than his long-time friend.

"You have done many things for the Rebellion. But in all the years since my reprogramming, I have never seen it to be unjust. You always do what is necessary, Cassian."

Swallowing a little, because he knows the truth in his words, Cassian looks past K-2SO and off in the distance. "Yeah…" he agrees quietly, "but… this is different."

He knows full well he's the lone-wolf type. Not like that has ever been a voluntary decision, it simply is what life made out of him. Caring was – and still is – a luxury he couldn't have without risking failure. Heck, he's only been able to function and fulfil his duty to the rebellion _because_ he'd shut away his inner self and stopped thinking about right and wrong – only of justice and justification.

He'd always assumed the price for this was his heart being turned to ice and Cassian found himself proved right in the fact that it had been years since he lost someone he thought actually mattered.

But after they'd all nearly lost their lives on that kriffing planet, to his horror, he'd noticed he's still able to care. Whereas this might be a good sign to anyone else, to Cassian it is nothing but frightening. The uncertainty and vulnerability most of all. He knows what he's afraid of most, is what might happen if he now let someone in. Only to lose them in the end.

Every fibre of his being bristles at the thought of falling for Bodhi Rook. It is survival instinct he's spent years perfecting, and his head tells him every possible moment what a dumb idea it is to fall in love. But the heart and the head are two separate entities and the only thing he now has left to resort to, is making sure Bodhi doesn't fall for him.

Cassian looks up at K-2 and gives him a weak smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes. "Today, I did it out of my own cowardice."

With a clap to the droid's arm, he leaves K-2 on the corridor, and heads down the last bit of hallway toward his quarters. Once there, he shuts the door and sits down at his narrow desk. Besides the bed and a small closet, it is one of the few things the sparsely furnished room contains. Cassian presses two fingers to his temples and rubs small circles, though it comes closer to a kind of digging-his-fingers-into-his-skull than an actual massage.

In another life, they might have had a chance. But not like this, not in this universe that is dominated by fighting, war, and casualties. The way things are, no matter how much it'll hurt them both, it's better to stay away from each other.

Repeating these words over and over again in his mind, he buries himself in the statistics on his data pad and studies them near religiously, making notes and trying to come up with something useful for a change – until he eventually falls asleep with his head on the table.

 

\--- 

 

_They're running. Fast. Cassian only allows himself a quick look over his shoulder – there's no one except for a few confused looking civilians. Good, seems like they managed to throw off the troopers somewhere amidst the labyrinth of brick and mud housings._

" _Which way?" Bodhi calls, racing down the narrow street beside him._

" _That way," Cassian shouts back and points to a side alley._

_Once they turn into it, he feels a weight falling off him, thank Force, it's the right turn. There's the shuttle waiting for them, K-2SO inside and manning the helm._

" _K! Open up!" He yells before they actually reach it, and as soon as Cassian has called for the droid, there's the relieving sound of the hydraulics hissing and the shuttle ramp lowers slowly._

_Cassian is the first to swing through the opening as soon as it's wide enough. "We're here, go, go, go," he shouts in direction of the cockpit just as Bodhi follows and crashes right into his chest. Cassian quickly catches him so he doesn't fall while the old engine stutters to life._

_Obviously out of breath, Bodhi looks up at him, still panting hard from the run, but he's laughing. "We made it." He grins and swiftly presses his lips to Cassian's. "I told you, I can come with you."_

_Bodhi had been begging for ages to accompany him, and after Cassian had been assigned a mission on a planet Bodhi often used to visit in his cargo pilot days, he didn't have a valid reason to deny him his whish any longer – especially when his superiors thought it a good idea to have someone aboard who is familiar with the area._

_Cassian had been worried about Bodhi being out in the field. He never underwent intelligence training and is basically learning by doing. Cassian couldn't forgive himself if anything happened to him._

_But the Force is with them today, on this day – they got the file and made it back just in time to get away from the Imperial troops._

" _Yeah." A soft smile on his lips, Cassian agrees. He's honestly just glad everything went according to plan – more or less. The stormtroopers weren't part of it. "You were great," he says and returns the kiss. He can feel Bodhi grinning into it, eyes outright beaming with pride at the praise._

_Just as the ramp is about to shut close, through the bit of opening remaining, there is a sudden flash of light. Bodhi's body jerks once as it hits him in the back. His eyes go wide in confusion and he looks down at his chest, before he lifts his head again and searches Cassian's, as if unsure of what is happening and hoping to find an explanation in them._

_Cassian is quick to react when his legs buckle and he catches him once more before he hits the shuttle floor. He's on his knees, Bodhi's head in his lap, face turned upwards._

" _Bodhi? Bodhi! No, no,_ no _!"_ _Cassian feels like time's started spinning around him. This isn't – this isn't real. This can't be happening. It just can't! He desperately calls for K-2 while he's helplessly pawing at Bodhi's chest. But it's no use. His eyes flutter shut. "Bodhi? Can you hear me?! Come on, don't close your eyes, don't do this! Stay with me! Bodhi!"_

_Bodhi just opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, he doesn't say anything. His lips from what Cassian makes out to be an 'I love you' – then his body goes limp in Cassian's arms._

 

\--- 

 

Cassian's head snaps up from the table top.

 _Goddammit. Not again_.

His heartbeat is still sped up and he balls his fists as he gets out of the chair. His bones ache from the unnatural sleeping position and in his mind the remnants of the dream are still just all too present, only fading slowly.

What a nice way to wake up, Cassian thinks darkly.

Not for the first time he curses his subconscious. He's had this nightmare before, several times even – although it always differs slightly, the outcome is always the same. And it hurts like hell every single time. He's not sure how many more nights like this he can take.

While he surely prefers the unrealistic, but at least optimistic dream he's had the other night, sadly this one is likelier to come true.

He's come to know that Bodhi volunteered as a pilot – the Alliance is always short of qualified flyers – but just like Cassian, he's still grounded while he's healing and adjusting. And Cassian has sworn himself it'll stay that way. He will not allow for Bodhi to put himself in jeopardy. Not again. Least of all with him standing there and watching. Because just like his dream depicted, this is what happens to those around him. People get hurt and people die.

Understandably, his mood is more than a little sour this morning.

 

\---

 

"We need to talk."

Jyn corners him on his way back from delivering his report. Cassian had just spent the last two hours going over recommendations on further actions with Mon Mothma and had planned to take something to eat with him to his quarters, when she catches him leaving the command centre. How could it be any different? After yesterday's overheard conversation he really should have known better.

Feigning ignorance, Cassian asks, "About what?"

Apparently Jyn doesn't buy it. She just rolls her eyes and motions Cassian to follow her.

They don't go far. There are a couple of crates stashed just around the corner and waiting to be taken to the hangar. He could sit down here – it's probably what Jyn had intended to – but Cassian doesn't plan on dragging this conversation out any longer than necessary, if he has to have it in the first place.

For a moment, they only look at each other, until Cassian is the first to break the silence. "Jyn, I know why you're here," he starts. Better get this over with sooner than later. "Just tell me so we can be done with it."

Jyn shrugs. "If you want it like that… I'll be honest, you've been this way – keeping to yourself and such – ever since we made it back from Scarif. It worries us. And when I say it worries us, I mean me as well as Chirrut, Baze and Bodhi." She gestures around her as if they weren't the only two people in the hallway. "We're worried, all of us. We're not plotting against you, if that's what you think, we just want to help and you keep rebuffing us."

"This isn't about me." Cassian explains curtly.

"Who then?" Jyn asks, and Cassian groans inwardly. Why can't she just leave it at that? "Because – force, I probably shouldn't tell you this, but… You should really talk to Bodhi. He's somehow got it into his mind that your injury is his fault and he blames himself for your behaviour. It hurts him."

Cassian scoffs. "Believe me, I know."

As if he doesn't. He can still hear Bodhi's words in his mind, as clear as he can see his pained expression. It blends well with the other images of Bodhi smiling, Bodhi laughing, and Bodhi dying.

" _I know_ ," he repeats, emphasising heavily in the hope she'll get the hint and leave. him. be. She's starting to hit a little too close to home for Cassian's liking and he grits his teeth, lest he say anything he'll regret later on.

"Apparently, you don't. I've watched this long enough, and I think it's time you come clean. Towards Bodhi _and_ yourself. It'll help you both." When Cassian just stares at her, she returns his look, her eyes directly meeting his, before she adds, "I've seen it. I know how you look at him."

That's it, the final straw. The one thing that is too much.

"What do you know," Cassian barks. The sudden harshness of his voice comes as a surprise, even to himself. "What? Come on, tell me. What do you know, about me or Bodhi? You don't think it hurts me, too?! You know _nothing_!" He doesn't know why he's saying this, but right now, everything that's been building up over the last two months just breaks out. The whole horrible mix of frustration and pain, longing and denial, the dreams and the nightmares – and he explodes. "I would give anything not to constantly have to see his face! _Anything_!"

That moment, past Jyn's shoulder, he sees Bodhi standing at the corner. He's obviously just walked up to them, but judging by his expression, he's been there long enough to witness Cassian's outburst.

Cassian's heart drops. "That-that came out wrong…"

But Bodhi just stands there, frozen and wide-eyed, staring at the two of them. "Uhm, I… I just wanted t-to talk to Jyn about something," he stutters and manages out a "Sorry I interrupted," before he practically turns tail and runs, vanishing around the next corner.

"Bodhi! Bodhi – wait!" Cassian calls after him, but it's too late. With his leg, he's never fast enough to catch up, and his shoulders slump.

"Are you happy now?" Jyn asks dryly.

"I didn't mean to –"

"But you did." She cuts him off and Cassian feels another surge of guilt coming down on him. Apparently noticing his dismay, Jyn's voice softens as she fixes him with a meaningful look. "This is normal, it's only natural to push away what we hold dear. We all do it to some degree, because we want to protect it, while at the same time, we're afraid of the pain should we lose it. But it's not a given that we _will_ lose it."

After a pause to let the words sink in, she adds, "Fix this. You don't want it to end like this, do you?"

And for once Cassian swallows his pride and simply nods. Suddenly, he knows what to do. He grips his crutches tight.

"Cassian, wait…." Just as he turns to leave, Jyn holds him back once more, touching his shoulder. "I said, I know how you look at him, but before you go, you should know… he looks at you the same way – whenever you don't."

 

* * *

tbc.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading  
> ~Writin'Redhead


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's wrap this up, if I'm not mistaken, Cassian still has some things to fix.

Cassian spends what feels like hours looking for Bodhi.

He's searching the whole base, checking his room, the mess hall, the hangar, even poking his head in every conference room that isn't locked or otherwise occupied, all the while asking everyone he comes across if they've seen the pilot somewhere.

But the base is big, especially if you're looking for someone who doesn't want to be found.

Meanwhile his thoughts incessantly circle around what he should say to Bodhi in case he ever finds him. In case Bodhi even talks to him, that is. Wasn't that what he'd wanted? To make sure Bodhi doesn't fall for him, then maybe ask for a transfer, cut all ties, and try to quell his own feelings once and for all?

Then he remembers the look on Bodhi's face and can't. Just _can't_. He'd looked so upset, so hurt, and Cassian can't leave him like that. Not while knowing he's the one who made him look like this.

His leg is starting to ache from the strain of restlessly searching the whole base. It won't be long until he'll have to stop, no matter if he wants to or not. In a last, desperate attempt he checks the hangar once more.

It's quite late already and save for a few pilots checking their precious fighters it is nearly empty. People have gone to the common areas, gathered in the mess hall for a round of sabacc and a drink in company, or use the for once blessedly calm evening to spend time with their loved ones…

Cassian curses under his breath. He really screwed this up, didn't he?

He makes one last round, and, as to be expected, spots no familiar jumpsuit or safety goggles. Dammit. This is his punishment, isn't it, not even being able to explain himself and set things right. And he probably deserves it. But if this can't be fixed for his sake, then at least for Bodhi's. Because he doesn't deserve it.

There's times the universe can be horribly unjust.

Just as he's about to give up, Cassian could swear he just heard a noise in one of the ships beside him. How didn't he think of this before?! It's the U-Wing Bodhi had been working on. He's run out of places to look, anyway, so he might as well give it a shot.

Climbing up the ramp is more troublesome and exhausting at this point than he'd like to admit.

"Bodhi?" Cassian calls once he's inside. There is no answer. Following his suspicion, he ventures deeper into the body of the ship. "Are you there?"

After a long stretch of silence that has Cassian wondering if he's misheard, after all, there's a faint "…no." audible. It comes from somewhere in the back. And sounds very small.

He finds Bodhi behind a couple of stacked cargo crates, sitting on the ground and hugging his knees, his forehead resting on top of them. Laying his crutches on the ground, Cassian slowly crouches down in front of him.

"Um, hey…" Cassian starts tentatively and raises a hand to touch Bodhi's leg, hoping to get Bodhi to look at him.

Just before his fingertips make actual contact, Bodhi lifts his head. His eyes are dry, but they seem distant and darker – like a little light inside them went out.

"Why are you here?" It doesn't sound accusing. It's an honest question and from his eyes Cassian can tell he really doesn't understand. "I thought you didn't want to see me."

"That's not it. It's not how you think…" Cassian shakes his head. "It's not…" He closes his mouth again, since everything that comes out sounds wrong, anyway.

When he looks up, he can see Bodhi watching him, a look on his face as if to say, 'Then how?' His posture is tense and he seems wary of Cassian's words. Considering everything that's happened he's probably entitled to. Cassian bites back another curse and instead groans internally. Force, where should he start to explain? Because he needs to. Urgently.

He's still wrecking his mind over it when Bodhi takes the decision off him and slowly starts to talk again. "Cassian… why are you here? Please just tell me, because I really don't know."

Here goes nothing, then. Fighting to keep his nerves under control, he steels himself and meets Bodhi's eyes. "I heard what you said. Yesterday. To Jyn," Cassian clarifies. "And it's not like that. I could never hate you."

" _Oh_ …you were there…" Bodhi's cheeks darken slightly. Then his expression changes as the rest of Cassian's words sink in. "What…" he asks disbelievingly. "You… you don't hate me?" He seems relieved, but doubt is still clearly visible on his face.

"No. No – _force_ , Bodhi, I don't." Cassian shakes his head a couple more times, each time more fervently than before. "I don't hate you. Stars, nothing could be further from the truth – I don't think there's anything you could do to ever make me! And I'm sorry, I really am sorry I made you think that."

Cassian risks a glance at Bodhi. His arms are unfolded from his knees and his posture seems to have started to relax.

"'s just…" Bodhi says, still quiet but with a steady voice, "it started right after you woke up in the med bay next to me, demanding to know what happened to your leg, and then you lost it when you saw me. After that you either didn't look at me at all or looked like my presence physically hurt you." His voice gets lounder and his hands start to flail slightly as he gestures, not knowing how to express himself otherwise. "What else was I supposed to think?"

Cassian catches the flailing hands in his and is relieved to find Bodhi not trying to pull them from his grasp. Instead he stills and turns to Cassian.

Using his full attention, Cassian looks him straight in the eye. "Please listen to me, you did nothing wrong. _Nothing_. Neither two months ago nor now. That was all me refusing to adapt to the current situation and fighting off any help, because, apparently, and I quote, I'm a stubborn arse."

This elicits the first thing resembling a smile from Bodhi. "She said 'idiot'. But yeah, I guess stubborn fits the bill."

Encouraged by Bodhi's faint smile, Cassian feels it's getting easier to talk. And he decides to go for broke.

"The other reason is… in the med bay, I saw what happened to you. You know, I've lost people before, and I… _conditioned_ myself not to care. But with you…" He swallows. "I fall asleep thinking about you, I dream about you, and when I wake up, you're the first thing on my mind." Cassian purposely doesn't bring up the nightmares – knowing Bodhi, he'd just find another reason to take the blame for that. "You make me want to love, make me want to surrender myself to you, and to be honest, that scared me. "

"And it doesn't anymore?" Bodhi cuts in. Until this moment he had listened quietly, but now he interrupts, his eyes wide, although for a different reason than before. He looks hopeful. And the little light seems to have begun to glow again. "Are you trying to say what I think you are?"

Cassian huffs a laugh. "Force, I'm still terrified. But, yes, if you'll have me, I'll try to give it my all."

When Bodhi tugs his hands free, for a second, Cassian fears his awkward explanation turned out wrong again and he finally messed it up in the last moment. But to his surprise, Bodhi just uses them to push himself onto his knees, lean over, and pull Cassian into a tight hug.

"I…" Cassian starts, slightly startled, but he just as quickly breaks off again, and simply returns the gesture.

His arms seem to fit perfectly around Bodhi's frame. As if they belong there. Just as do Bodhi's around his. This is better than any dream, and Cassian is afraid he might wake up any second. So he just holds on, for as long as it may last.

"Bodhi?" He asks after a little while. "Do you think we can so this?"

In response Bodhi only hugs him closer. Then he presses the side of his face to Cassian's and says, "Why not? We survived worse, haven't we?"

 

\--- 

 

"Good morning, Cassian."

The voice isn't loud. Not lounder than a mumble addressed to oneself, but close enough to get through his sleep dazed mind. His eyes still closed, Cassian notices metal fingers, warmed by shared body heat, that are slowly running through his hair and gently tugging at a single strand every now and then.

"Your hair's become quite long," the voice points out.

A week ago, just a single week ago, Cassian would have never thought this to be real. He'd have passed it off as another wistful dream combined with too many pain meds. Only that, finally, it is not. It's real.

When he opens his eyes, the first thing he sees is Bodhi hovering above him, the messy ponytail hanging over his shoulder tickling Cassian's face.

"You're one to talk." The corners of his mouth curving upwards, Cassian lifts a hand to move it, but ends up just reaching out and placing his hand on Bodhi's cheek. He strokes his thumb over it and wonders idly why the bits of beard that his finger tip touches are so soft.

A smile of his own gracing his face, Bodhi slightly leans in to the touch. He leans down a little more and the smile slowly forms into a smirk. "Then I guess you'll have to find a way to shut me up…"

"Maybe I'll just do that." Cassian wraps his arms around Bodhi and pulls him down further. "Come here… my pilot."

Bodhi grins – and kisses him. Their lips are touching, mouths moving in sync, and Cassian doesn't know how he's ever deserved this. But he's willing to let it slide and just accept it as given.

Fully immersed in the kiss, he tightens his hold, crossing his arms. Though the tug causes Bodhi to lose the stability of his forearm stand and he promptly flops onto Cassian's chest. Cassian flinches slightly. It's barely noticeable, but apparently Bodhi still notices.

"Does your leg hurt," he asks, sounding a little worried.

"It's okay."

Cassian answers without thinking, and in response Bodhi wrinkles his nose a little before burying his face in Cassian's neck, and he mutters, "Don't lie…"

"No, really, it's okay." Cassian pauses for a second to take in the moment. Unravelling it and savouring it. He then pulls Bodhi closer, feeling the warmth of his body, and holds him tight. "I'm okay."

 

* * *

_fin._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blue – You Make Me Wanna:
> 
> I know this is a feeling that I just can't fight,  
> You're the first and last thing on my mind,  
> You make me wanna love, you make me wanna fall,  
> You make me wanna surrender my soul.
> 
> Thank you for reading ^^  
> ~Writin'Redhead


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